Cherishing Our Relationship With Our Daughters!

Happy mother and daughter isolated on white backgroundOne of the biggest defining moments of my life came with the birth of my daughter.  My thought was, now that I have this responsibility I must lead by example. I want to be my best and live up to my own expectations. Hopefully one day the positive, respectful behavior will rub off on her.

I was aware of the many negative patterns I learned growing up. Sometimes they show up as gender specific. We as Moms can unknowingly treat our sons differently than our daughters because of what we learned. Many of these things are deeply rooted in our unconscious and can show up in simple ways.  It might never occur to us that we are behaving this way.

I began to pay more attention to my feminine personality and how respectful I act toward women. Girls learn this from their Mothers both positive and negative. If we as Mothers make positive choices and withhold a high standard of living, that influences the path our daughters take.  I wanted my daughter’s respect. It was my wish to look back and be happy with the boundaries I taught, the lessons and sensible principles I stood by and one day see the results from my efforts.

There were so many things I had no control over as a Mother. I wanted life to be fair and hopeful, happy and easy. I wanted to give my daughter everything I was denied growing up and to see her joyful spirit as an adult living her own dreams and wishes. I wanted my precious daughter to have a high self-esteem that and feel confident to do anything her heart desired. It was my greatest wish to see her build blocks of success, one on top of the other, in all relationships, career path, physical health and endurance. I prayed for her to discover intimacy with herself and out of that make way for a beloved partnership that would compliment her personality.

When she was little I wanted to strike people who were mean to her or caused her pain. I couldn’t always protect her from any level of suffering no matter how much I wanted to. When she was having a rough time as a teenager, and I wanted to save her and lift her up out of the difficult time she was having, but one day she looked at me and said, “Mom, just love me.”

After thirty one years of being a mother to a daughter I can honestly look at her with pride and say she is her best-self. Ultimately, her resilience and self-confidence showed up in ways that amaze me. She grew on her own despite some of the hardships and setbacks of real life. What I see in her is not me and my teachings but her and her own path of self discovery. I can’t take any credit for how well her life is working. She is now in the process of defining what matters to her. She is exploring her own values and looking for her own defining moments.

Usually we want to define what our mother’s taught us… but I prefer to express what my daughter has taught me:

  • Trust – those around me can figure things out on their own.
  • Love – unconditional love means there is nothing else you need to do but love.
  • Fixing – leave it to household objects and not people.
  • Let go – Let God and the skill of this will become even stronger.
  • Be an Adult – by behaving like one.
  • Allow – the full freedom for others to be who they are and not who you want them to be.
  • Appreciate – whatever time you have with those you love.
  • Accept – the need for distance without feeling rejected.

Happiness in life is multi-dimensional and not just based on the loyalty of a daughter to her mother or vice-versa.  The most potent and powerful practice is to accept what is given with an open heart and mind. Be present and in the moment when you are with your daughter and appreciate the time you have with them whether they are five, fifteen, thirty or sixty years old!


For more on Sirah Vettese check out:

Spiritual Makeover: Ten Practices for Falling in Love with Your Life